BETA DAY!!!

I can’t believe the day is finally here… the past 9 days have felt like WEEKS and I have never been so excited to give blood. I couldn’t sleep last night and I woke up DH around 6am because I couldn’t lie in silence any longer. Turns out he couldn’t sleep either and we both joked about how today was about to change the rest of our lives.

As we drove down to Lone Tree the anxiety was high but we both tried to keep the mood light. We jammed to a little Taylor Swift and tried to come up with ideas that would keep us occupied for the rest of the morning. I checked in and just minutes later they called my name and we both jumped with anticipation.

It’s no surprise that they had trouble finding a good vein and then had trouble with my blood pressure. Three sticks included one extremely uncomfortable underarm vein and twenty-five minutes (yes 25… for a BLOOD DRAW) later we were done and was told someone would call us today with the results. We went to breakfast and could barely eat – even though it had been less than an hour I watched my phone like a hawk.

I know quite a few women who cycled at my clinic and know they call no later than lunchtime with beta results. So as 11:45am rolled around, the knots in my stomach started getting larger and larger. The minutes felt like hours and I had DH call my phone numerous times just to make sure it rang. My phone has been fussy lately and I was terrified the call wouldn’t come through. But of course DH said “your phone is fine, they’ll call.” (He thinks I can be dramatic about my phone sucking) 30 minutes later still no call and now every worse case scenario was running through my mind. DH officially started to panic as well and we ended up sitting on the couch in complete silence.

My phone still hadn’t rang at 1pm and I was near a breakdown, WHY HADN’T THEY CALLED? Then at 1:03pm a ping went on off and sure enough I had a new voicemail (but no missed call!!!!!!!) from my clinic.

“Hi. It’s Brittany from ____. I have your results, please call me.” Click. No tenderness, no emotion, just flatness…. Cue breakdown.

After spending 5 minutes weeding through the after-hours message service and finally getting a nurse, Amy, she puts me on hold. At this point I am convinced it’s negative and trying not to hyperventilate.

She picks back up and at 1:09pm MT said “______? Yes, ok. It’s POSITIVE, you’re pregnant. Congratulations!!!!!”

I couldn’t breath and I didn’t listen to a single word that came after- I just sat in DH’s arms and sobbed. I have never heard the words “you’re pregnant” before and the emotions running through me at that very moment is something I will never be able to describe.

I spent the next five minutes trying to compose myself as she rattled off instructions and other information that I couldn’t even wrap my head around. Through the chaos I finally remember to ask “wait, what’s my actual number?”

“It’s 383.9 – like I said honey you’re VERY pregnant! That’s a really strong beta.”

So there you have it. I am pregnant. And it feels SO AMAZING to say that. I am pregnant, I am pregnant, I AM PREGNANT!!!

(And DH has finally agreed to get me a new phone….)

Waiting

There is nothing that will kill your patience faster than the two week wait. Or in my case the 9 day wait. (Oh and before you say – well at least it’s less than the full two weeks – don’t forget we had to struggle through SIX days waiting to hear how our embryos developed…) We still have 3 days until our beta and I am going NUTS. One second I think I am pregnant and the next I am breaking down swearing that it didn’t work. Boy oh boy is this hard.

I know what you’re thinking, why doesn’t she just POAS? Well before our transfer DH and I agreed that we wouldn’t and we would wait for the beta. His thought – if it’s negative I will breakdown (which is a fair assumption) and he doesn’t want the added stress of said breakdown to cause more harm than good on the chance that’s just too early to tell. My thought – I really just want to know what I am walking in to.

Our beta falls on a Saturday so that means some nurse we have never worked or spoken with will be telling us our fate. One downside to going to such a big clinic is that our dr actually isn’t the one who tells us. Apparently you only hear from them when it’s negative and they’re checking in so this time, I don’t want to even hear Dr M’s voice until I am graduating from that place!

So now I struggle through the next 3 days like I have since last Thursday. I keep telling myself to stay calm and to keep positive because right now all we know is that we had a 75% shot and that’s pretty damn good.  Wish me luck!

2014

2014… what a year. You brought me to my knees too many times to count. You were my ultimate test of strength. You made me hang on for dear life…

That being said, you taught me the importance of faith, understanding and unconditional love. You also showed me that no matter how difficult the struggle, I can overcome any battle that comes my way.

Oh 2014 – You rattled me to the core and changed me in ways I never would have expected. I am no longer the person I was a year ago, I am bigger and better. And for that, I thank you.

Rachel at Hands Free Mama shared one of the most powerful messages I have heard all year and I am proud of the dirt beneath my fingernails.

Let us celebrate. Let us celebrate. The light overcame the darkness. 

Wishing you and yours a happy, healthy and prosperous new year and here’s hoping all your dreams come true.

Back on Schedule…

DH and I trucked through the inches of blowing snow this morning to go for our second lining check. My stomach couldn’t stop turning as I sat there waiting to be taken back to the ultrasound room… 10.2mm, triple-stripe.  Our goal was making sure I was under 12 so as soon as she said the number my body instantly relaxed in relief. My estrogen is at 101 and my LH was starting to rise but since Dr M didn’t see a dominate follicle and believes the Depot Lupron totally suppressed me she’s not concerned about ovulation.

So again, we wait. With the holiday I am pushed an extra day and go in again on Friday to confirm everything still looks good and I am good to start progesterone on Saturday. Although I fully trust in Dr M and she clearly knows what she is going, I can’t help but still be a little uneasy knowing my LH is rising and my body is on overdrive. I have a terrible fear that I will ovulate prior to Friday and everything will still be a bust.

I spent much of yesterday thinking, praying and reflecting. I need to have faith in Dr M and trust the process, she wouldn’t put my cycle at risk and I know that. So much of this process is simply blind trust – something I really struggle with. That being said, I know I need to change my mindset and focus on everything working out rather than blowing up. I just keep reminding myself over and over again to have faith in the process….

I don’t know if it’s the drugs, the added stress of the holidays and my job or simply my nervous energy building as the transfer gets closer but it’s been much harder to stay grounded and positive this cycle. Yes, I had a few low days during stimulation but overall I spent a lot of time keeping “me” in balance. This time my nerves are fried and every little thing goes straight to my heart. But I know the stress and worry doesn’t help so I am going to refocus and make the next 10 days all about keeping myself happy and as calm as possible.

Wish me luck!

 

Not so fast!

FET prep has been underway and today I had my first ultrasound to check my lining after starting estrogen patches 5 days ago. Well my lining is already at 8.7mm and my estrogen is 51. As of right now my levels are too high and they’re concerned about it becoming too thick to transfer. Ughhhhh, I am crushed. I know a lot of people struggle with thin lining but of course I have the opposite problem….

I go in again on Monday to check my levels again and make the final call – I have a feeling it’s going to be a long weekend.

I don’t know what I will do if this transfer gets cancelled. Please please please just pray it slows down and I simply have an earlier transfer date.

I am so sick of being the 1%… this getting really damn old.

Gone

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I checked in to the hospital yesterday at 6am and by 11am I was in post-op trying to wrap my head around the fact that I was now medically sterile. Dr M held my hand and rubbed my arm as I cried, the moment had come and I wasn’t really ready for it. She smiled as she promised to take care of me and reminded us that we have “absolutely beautiful” embryos. I knew no matter how terrified and heartbroken I felt laying in that hospital bed, this was a necessary step to achieving our dream and I had to trust in Dr M.

Afterwards through the drug induced haze she explained that both my tubes had scarred (adhered) to my ovaries and I had numerous new implants and adhesions since my surgery last year. Both of my tubes were removed along with any endo she could see. She noted that the tube wrapped around my left ovary was likely why that side responded so poorly to stims. Thankfully the depo lupron has been helping my lining and although my utuerus had some scarring from endo it was nothing that Dr M was concerned about.

She spoke with my husband more and was more confident we would be successful in our upcoming transfer in January. “You guys will have lots and lots of children.” Lots and lots may be ambitious but her confidence in our situation, for the first time, is a breath of fresh air.

So as I lay here in bed recovering I am reminded that I just have to have patience and understanding through this journey. I still need to fully accept the fact that my tubes are really gone but as we get closer to the finish line I am starting to truly believe I will be pregnant in January. And that idea keeps me going through this…