Back, Back, Back it Up

Clearly I didn’t blog throughout my IVF cycle – as explained in my previous post I just really focused on me and took a break from my life… including electronics! But I started this blog to document my fears, emotions, and crazy experiences so I am going to go back through and do just that.

Thankfully I kept a very detailed personal journal and although I won’t share it all here, I am going back through and updating with entries throughout my cycle. It will take me few days but we’ll get there. 🙂

NINE

Wow, I can’t believe we are already two weeks post retrieval. It’s been a crazy 2 months – my cycle went from almost being a bust to turning in to the best news we’ve received since we started trying to get pregnant.

14 eggs retrieved

11 eggs mature

9 eggs fertilized

9 good quality blasts frozen day 5/6

You read that right folks – 100% freeze from fertilization and we have NINE beautiful blasts (literally) chilling in Lone Tree. Holy freaking goodness.

Seriously though, we still can’t believe it.

That all being said, I have to say it out loud…. IVF fucking sucks. No matter what you read, no matter what you do, no matter how you prepare – nothing will change the fact that this whole process is one of the hardest things you will ever go through. The drugs; the extra drugs that you think you won’t get but actually need double-of; the endless appointments; the overwhelming and ever-changing emotions; the secrecy; the loneliness; the agony of waiting for your phone to ring every afternoon; the would-of, could-of, should-ofs; the outrageous cost; the physical discomfort and pain; the damn ultrasound wand – it’s all really shitty.

But I wouldn’t change a day of that hell for any one of my 9 pieces of heaven.

I like to think I handled the whole process with a good amount of grace. I really focused on positive energy and intention, staying relaxed and taking as good of care of myself as possible. I read 3 books. I took a step back from all of my extra commitments and was home every night by 5pm. I journaled by hand and spent as little time as possible on electronics. I never flinched as DH jammed needle after needle in to my bruised stomach. I let myself cry it out and then would get up and work past my sadness. I accepted the process for what it was and tried to make the best of it.  My therapist called it “Mama Bear” mode – I made this cycle my main priority and would have done anything to protect those follicles growing.

And they did grow. And we were blessed with 9 miracles.

“An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backward. When life is dragging you back with difficulties, it means it’s going to launch you in to something great. So just focus and keep aim.”

 

Wait, You’re Drinking?

There’s nothing worse than when people think you’re pregnant. And unfortunately that’s exactly what all of my friends who didn’t know we were going through IVF thought. (One perk of a freeze all cycle…) I went to brunch the first time since completing my cycle and indulged in a delicious (and very much missed) mimosa and watched as every single girl at the table watch me take that first sip.

“Wait, you’re drinking? We all totally made bets you were pregnant, you haven’t drank in months!”

“Nope, not pregnant.” (takes sip)

“Are you sure?”

“Pretty damn sure, I am on my period and I am about to get drunk.” (downs remaining cocktail)

Every single time I say “No I am not pregnant” it feels like a hard kick in the stomach. Having to reassure people of lack of said non-existent pregnancy so I can drink in peace? Well that pretty much knocks me out cold.