I thought there would be more….

I woke up this sunny Sunday morning excited for my first ultrasound. DH and I even planned for a little shopping and lunch expedition at the mall near the Lone Tree office after we were done. I couldn’t wait to see how my follicles (and future babies!) were developing. For some reason, I never had DH come back with me for my ultrasound and this time I wished I did.

As the ultrasound tech scanned and jammed the ultrasound wand around I watched as her face continued to drop. I looked up at the screen and saw only 3 follicles on my right and 5 on the left.

“1985, that makes you 29, huh?” she asks.

“Yes, why?”

“Just curious… Ok we’re done. Let me go get the nurse and we’ll go from there.”

Lisa, the on call nurse, came in to the room and I could see the sticky in her hand – it was nearly blank.

“You’re responding a little slower than we like to see but it’s still early. Dr M is actually on call today so she’ll be able to review your file personally and we’ll call you by 4pm with next steps. It’s probably best if you see the receptionist at the front desk and ask her to schedule a regroup with Dr M for either Monday or Tuesday.”

Tears instantly start flowing, I couldn’t believe it. “I just don’t get it, I thought I would have more. My left ovary is usually my star, are you sure there are only 3?”

“I understand this hard and I know you wanted to see different results but like I mentioned, it’s still early. Things can really change. Try to relax and we’ll chat in a little bit.”

I couldn’t stop at the reception desk, I walked straight out the door leaving DH scrambling to grab his book and coffee from the waiting room and chasing after me.

I cried. Hard. And bless his heart, DH cried too. He reminded me the nurse said we’re not out of the game and we have to stay positive.

In that moment, I couldn’t care less about being positive. And that’s not who I am. I wanted to scream F-YOU and eat a carton of cookies and cream ice cream.

I did everything they told me to do… EVERYTHING… and somehow even with high doses of stims I had even less follicles than my AFC. I was crushed and in that moment I couldn’t care less about being positive.

Dear ovaries: YOU HAD ONE JOB. Figure it the F out.

Lisa called around 1pm and explained that my bloodwork was reassuring and Dr M understood my concern but said don’t worry yet. And instead of upping my stims, they’re going to add in Clomid to my protocol and check again in 3 days.

“Give those guys some time to come out of hiding, ok?”

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