Onward and Upward

We knew what today’s appointment held for us and I even joked with husband in the car on the way that I was “all cried out.” That didn’t stop the tears from coming less than 90 seconds after Dr M closed her office door. After months of ups and downs our lives changed drastically in just an hour.

All the preparation, all the research, all of the wishes and prayers meant absolutely nothing as I sat in a cold chair across from my charts on the computer screen and a big stack of papers in front of Dr M. We discussed timelines and statistics for my age and condition. She broke down every step that my body was about to endure. I cried silently for the majority of the appointment. And DH’s head nearly exploded as she wrote out dollar signs.

Infertility is a loss, regardless if you eventually conceive or not, you mourn the inability to conceive your own child. There are days when you are all consumed with grief and there are days when you feel like things might almost be “normal” again.

This morning I pressed Dr M, “I need to hear you say it, I just need to know for sure. You’re telling me that I will never had kids naturally, there’s absolutely no chance.”

She swallowed, gave a small grin and said, “No, I am very sorry to say you that will never have a child without artificial assistance.”

I may be jumping ahead of myself but I ready for the “acceptance” stage. I think that’s why I wanted her to say it, I needed to hear the finality. I now truly believe I was put in the position and given this path for a reason. I have always been a person to get stuck on the “whys” and trying to figure out what went wrong. As Dr M reminded me numerous times today (which I appreciate) that nothing I did nor nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome today. So instead of focusing on the would of, could of, should ofs – I am going to focus on moving forward.

I am going to focus on staying centered and taking care of “me” through IVF; I am going to focus on staying positive, living in a place of hope, and creating light from within; and I am going to focus on being healthy and maintaining the best damn womb possible for my future baby/babies to come home to. Because I know one day, somehow, I will be a mother.

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