I Will Never Let You Down

I am going home to host my sister’s baby shower this upcoming weekend and I am not quite mentally prepared for 3 days of non-stop baby stuff and having to field countless questions about us having kids. Although it’s a couples shower and we have guests coming from out of town, DH is not making the trip and I am terrified to go without him.  I could easily spend every hour of every day this week imagining/freaking out about the upcoming weekend but what’s the point? So thanks, Rita Ora, for the musical inspiration – I am going to open the window and let the sunlight shine on me!

Tell me baby what we’re gonna do
I’ll make it easy, got a lot to lose
Watch the sunlight, coming through
Open the window, let it shine on you

Cause I’ve been sick and working all week
And I’ve been doing just fine 
You’ve been tired of watching me
Forgot to have a good time, boy 
You can take it all these spaces
Never keeping it real
I know exactly how you feel

When you say you’ve had enough
And you might just give it up
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
When you’re feeling alone in love
I’ll be what you dreaming of
Oh, oh
I will never let you down

(Hey!)
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
(Hey!)
Oh, oh
I will never let you down

There’s a million ways to go
Don’t be embarrassed if you lose control
On the rooftop, now you know
Your body’s frozen and you lost your soul

Cause I’ve been sick and working all week
And I’ve been doing just fine (Hey!)
You’ve been tired of watching me
Forgot to have a good time, boy (Hey!)
You can take it all these spaces
Never keeping it real
I know exactly how you feel

When you say you’ve had enough
And you might just give it up
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
When you’re feeling alone in love
I’ll be what you dreaming of
Oh, oh
I will never let you down

(Hey!)
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
(Hey!)
Oh, oh
I will never let you down

Let me take you where you never go
Have a little fun, it’s the only way we know
Let me show you what you never see
You know how to love only when you’re holding me

When you say you’ve had enough
And you might just give it up
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
When you’re feeling alone in love
I’ll be what you dreaming of
Oh, oh
I will never let you down

When you say you’ve had enough
And you might just give it up
Oh, oh
I will never let you down
When you’re feeling alone in love
I’ll be what you dreaming of
I will never let you down

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Unprotected

I love my DH, he’s my world, but sometimes he isn’t the best with words. I tried to get “deep” with him and asked what he was thinking about all of this…

“Honestly, I know it’s bad but I just can’t help but think about all the unprotected sex we missed out on over the years.”

And that ladies and gentleman, is the love if my life. Always knows the right thing to say.

 

 

Redefining Miracles

You may have been a little confused with the name change but I went through a little transformation these past few weeks and needed something new. When I found out that my tubes were likely scarred shut, I went to a hopeless place. Devastation was an understatement and I had a rough few days. I would keep it together in front of my husband and friends but every day I would go to the downstairs bathroom at work and bawl my eyes out. Once I saw ST (my Mayan massage therapist, herbalist, hypnotherapist) a few days later, she could see how crushed my spirit was.

During our session, through tears I caught my breath and said what had been manifesting in my heart for days, “The chance of a miracle is gone. I will never be ones of those women where after countless assisted cycles just stopped trying/finally conceived and then find out that they miraculously got pregnant naturally a year later; that will never happen to me.”

“Honey, I think you need to redefine how you look at a miracle pregnancy. You having the possibility of still conceiving your own child, ignore the means, with a case of endometriosis as bad as yours – that’s a miracle.”

She was right and it may seem dramatic but that conversation changed my mindset forever. I knew in that that moment there was a reason I was going through this, there was a reason that God had chosen this path for me. I don’t know how but I have this overwhelming urge to find a way to help others the way she has helped me.

Infertility is unpredictable, unfair, heartbreaking, exhausting, frustrating, terrifying and so much more. That being said infertility has also made me love my husband more than I even knew was possible, reminded me that life is a gift, heightened my appreciation for service and kindness, and made me reassess what I really want and need in my future.

Infertility may be one of the worst experiences I may ever go through but the fact that there’s a possibility thanks to science that I will still be able to carry my own child – well that’s a damn miracle and I am thankful for it.

 

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Don’t you dare look out your window, darling,
Everything’s on fire
The war outside our door keeps raging on
Hold on to this lullaby
Even when music’s gone
Gone

Just close your eyes
The sun is going down
You’ll be alright
No one can hurt you now
Come morning light
You and I’ll be safe and sound

Just close your eyes
You’ll be alright
Come morning light,
You and I’ll be safe and sound…

Onward and Upward

We knew what today’s appointment held for us and I even joked with husband in the car on the way that I was “all cried out.” That didn’t stop the tears from coming less than 90 seconds after Dr M closed her office door. After months of ups and downs our lives changed drastically in just an hour.

All the preparation, all the research, all of the wishes and prayers meant absolutely nothing as I sat in a cold chair across from my charts on the computer screen and a big stack of papers in front of Dr M. We discussed timelines and statistics for my age and condition. She broke down every step that my body was about to endure. I cried silently for the majority of the appointment. And DH’s head nearly exploded as she wrote out dollar signs.

Infertility is a loss, regardless if you eventually conceive or not, you mourn the inability to conceive your own child. There are days when you are all consumed with grief and there are days when you feel like things might almost be “normal” again.

This morning I pressed Dr M, “I need to hear you say it, I just need to know for sure. You’re telling me that I will never had kids naturally, there’s absolutely no chance.”

She swallowed, gave a small grin and said, “No, I am very sorry to say you that will never have a child without artificial assistance.”

I may be jumping ahead of myself but I ready for the “acceptance” stage. I think that’s why I wanted her to say it, I needed to hear the finality. I now truly believe I was put in the position and given this path for a reason. I have always been a person to get stuck on the “whys” and trying to figure out what went wrong. As Dr M reminded me numerous times today (which I appreciate) that nothing I did nor nothing I could have done would have changed the outcome today. So instead of focusing on the would of, could of, should ofs – I am going to focus on moving forward.

I am going to focus on staying centered and taking care of “me” through IVF; I am going to focus on staying positive, living in a place of hope, and creating light from within; and I am going to focus on being healthy and maintaining the best damn womb possible for my future baby/babies to come home to. Because I know one day, somehow, I will be a mother.