the winter here’s cold, and bitter
it’s chilled us to the bone
we haven’t seen the sun for weeks
too long too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
and I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
oh darkness I feel like letting go

if all of the strength and all of the courage
come and lift me from this place

Tremendous

I mentioned this before but it’s an odd feeling hearing great news from your RE. As we wrap up our testing and I finish the parade of doctors, nurses and techs poking my entire reproductive system we continue to hear new reasons as to why we aren’t conceiving. Today we got a breath of fresh air and had good news for the first time in months, DH’s numbers couldn’t look better. Figures… He just walks down to the basement of our RE office, has the choice between print or film, jacks off in a cup and gets a call 8 hours later reminding him he’s still super-man.

After taking the fertility cocktail and cutting back on his beloved coffee and beer, his went from awesome to “tremendous” and he officially got a 4/4. (Antibody negative. Excellent counts. Good morphology. Very high 3 hour washed sperm count. Motility good.) She practically high-fived him over the phone. This is after a 4 day golf guys trip binge might I add. Even with every toxin in his body he still hits it out of the park.

I don’t have just one issue, I have good selection of the worst ones. I not only feel like a failure of a woman but also as a wife. I sit and think about his massive family and how if he would have married pretty much anyone else he would have no issue fielding an entire hockey team. That boy… his swimmers were made to breed.

Yet again proving, without a doubt, I am the reason we are childless.

 

Wanna get pregnant?

Just come stand by me, talk with me, heck even just share air with me and POOF – your uterus shall become occupied.  Seriously. Even my acupuncturist made a joke that I have some sort of magic touch.

Today was bittersweet – a friend told me she was pregnant… after her 12th (and last) IUI just before she was set to start IVF… and while I am sincerely elated for her, it didn’t stop the tears from welling in my eyes as I read her email.

My tears this time were not from jealousy or anger, rather fear of loneliness and abandonment. (My therapist would be SO proud I just analyzed my feelings like that ps) She was the first person I trusted with my story and she has been a lifeline along the way. We go to support groups together, we meet up before our fertility yoga class, we go for walks and compare notes – she’s been the old master sharing her wisdom with the young pup. And while the line isn’t cut, it is definitely frayed and I once again feel utterly alone in this process.

She made a point to say that we should stay in touch but we both knew… our relationship will never be the same. I joked that she had graduated and am like the loser 8th year senior everyone says they will keep in touch with but forget about once they have new friends. My two best friends getting knocked up has been hard enough but losing someone who knows what you’re going through, man that digs deep.

(By the way, I couldn’t have been more thankful that she emailed me rather than telling me in person or on the phone. She knew no matter how miraculous the news may be, it still stings. )

I thought I had an evening to bask in my ignorance, I thought I could spend one more night pretending the world wasn’t crashing down around me.  You know when your RE is calling you personally at 6:33pm that the news probably isn’t positive. Dr M knew the nurse likely hinted at an issue and called me as soon as she had some time to review the results and look at my past records.

Bilateral blockages. Anatomically incorrect. Hydrosalpinx. Scar tissue. Another laparoscopy and tube ligation needed.

She tells me my surgery will likely needed soon, my tubes aren’t even laying in the correct spot or facing the right direction and if we don’t correct the fluid issue (the fluid from my tubes flows back in to my uterus creating a toxic environment that prevents both fertilization and implantation) then there’s a high chance I will never get pregnant, naturally or through IVF.

At the end of our call she says, “I know I just unloaded a lot but I wanted you to be mentally prepared. I wanted you to start thinking out our next appointment and get your head wrapped around things. I am sorry, I know how much this is to take in. We’ll get you scheduled for a follow-up with me and we’ll go from there. Again, I am so sorry but we’ll get this figured out.” Apparently this wasn’t enough for DH, “I don’t get why she skirted around it and didn’t just come out and say it right away. She didn’t want to tell you.”

Would you want to tell a 28 year old that she will need yet another surgery, will lose her tubes and will never be able to conceive without IVF? No, didn’t think so.  I appreciated the heads up… she saved my dignity by allowing me to have my breakdown in my bathroom rather than her office.

Blocked

I was expecting an easy appointment, after all my tubes were clear just six months ago.

Now not one but both tubes were totally and completely blocked.

The nurse hugged me and said they’ll call me tomorrow to discuss next steps.

I sat in my car and cried. The ugly wheezy snotty kind of cry.

I mumbled a few profanities, called my husband, and drove myself home in a daze.

Denial with a  splash of avoidance is my cocktail of choice this evening. Drink up my friends, we still have until that phone call tomorrow to bask in our ignorance!

 

Again

Now that I have switched doctors my new RE is having me complete every single test again. I started my cycle yesterday and the flood gates opened. Blood work, new HSG, biopsies, ultrasounds, doppler, the whole shebang.

Good bye life… and all excess cash and sanity… for the next month. Hey, maybe I will be one of the lucky gals who miraculously gets pregnant the cycle after their HSG even though it didn’t work the first time. (Gotta find a positive in there somewhere, right?!)