By The Grace Of God

I love me some Katy Perry…. probably too much for a grown woman to admit and I am fine with that. I am also fine with acknowledging that one of her songs has completely carried me through these past few months. It may be about a breakup but it couldn’t resonate better with what I am going through right now. Thank you KP for always being that special lady in my music life, you never fail to disappoint.

Was 27 surviving my return of Saturn
A long vacation didn’t sound so bad
Was full of secrets locked up tight like iron mountain
Running on empty so out of gas

Thought I wasn’t enough
Found I wasn’t so tough
Layin’ on the bathroom floor
We were living on a fault line
And I felt the fault was all mine
Couldn’t take it anymore

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

I thank my sister for keeping my head above the water
When the truth was like swallowing sand
Now every morning, there is no more mourning
Oh, I can finally see myself again

I know I am enough
Possible to be loved
It was not about me
Now I have to rise above
Let the universe call the bluff
Yeah, the truth’ll set you free

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out, oh, that way,
No, that way, no
Not in the name of love
In the name of love
That way, no,
That way, no
I am not giving up

By the grace of God
I picked myself back up
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)
Looked in the mirror (looked in the mirror)

By the grace of God (there was no other way)
I picked myself back up (I knew I had to stay)
I put one foot in front of the other
And I looked in the mirror and decided to stay
Wasn’t gonna let love take me out that way

 

On My Own

My best friend from college told me she was expecting on Mother’s Day which was a big enough blow to take care of the entire month of May. Then my best friend here in town who has been trying for less than 6 months told me she was pregnant tonight and I had to sit through another 3 hours of dinner without crying.

If I didn’t feel alone before, this definitely sealed the deal.

Stage IV

After my surgery last fall Dr J told me I had one of the most complex and advanced cases he had ever seen. While reviewing the pictures from my lap he even got giddy once saying, “do you see that endometrioma? So crazy, it’s bigger than your uterus!” A few minutes and pictures later I finally had the courage to ask, “umm between that bloody thing or that bloody thing, which actually one belongs in my body?” Turns out none of them did and there was too much that was too deep to fully remove. He said “severe” but never gave me a number, although I knew from research the different classifications. And let’s be honest – without that hard number I could keep telling myself “oh you’re only a I or II, don’t freak out because there’s no way you’re a IV.”

Flash forward months later and our RE wrote it out at the top of all our paperwork – Stage IV – and this time I just started bawling. I knew what it meant at this stage in the game and having to acknowledge it just was too much in the moment. I don’t know what terrified me more, talking about IVF or envisioning myself in 5 years losing it all, the same age of mother when she had her hysterectomy.

Four, 4, IV, cuatro, quatre – who knew one number could be such a bitch.

Moving On

Dr J broke up with me after my last failed cycle. “I just think you’re too advanced and we’re not being aggressive enough, I know someone great just down the street who specializes in this. I want this to happen for you but I just don’t think I am the best to battle it.” I was heartbroken and scared, Dr J had been my savior and knew every little thing about my case and I didn’t want to start over. I felt rejected and helpless. I know he was doing me a favor and I still love him for that, I just have a little post-breakup bitterness.

Enter Dr M aka the big guns. She couldn’t have come more highly recommended – Dr J obviously thought the world of her, my acupuncturist noted she was “the best” and my herbalist said “oh she’ll get this done for you, don’t you worry.” I did my research and turns out she’s not only one of the best in Colorado but also in the entire nation with her clinic having some of the best rates countrywide. But with success comes delay and when I called this week I was scheduled for AUGUST. I mean, seriously? It’s May, figure it out.

Finally enter JG (my amazing acupuncturist) and her tender heart – one email and we’re scheduled for next Friday the 23rd.

There is always a little light in times of darkness, sometimes it just shines in a much different way. I may have lost my favorite doctor but I was reminded how amazing my support system is and how many people are willing to help.

 

Mother’s Day

I had to fight back tears buying presents for our mothers and made DH pick out the cards.  After weeks of reminders and last minute eblasts promoting Mother’s Day sales, today the day is finally here and it sucks. The ache is so raw and the hole so big – every second of this entire day is a reminder that I am infertile and pretty much every one around me is not.

I am all for celebrating moms, it’s a hard job, I just wish I was one of them.

Tastes like…

As DH brings my mug of herbs over to me he says, “I tried a sip and it tastes like boiled sticks. Make sure to drink it now… I am pretty sure you would just be drinking puddle water if it cools.” Bottoms up!

20140511-115251.jpg

Spend all your time waiting
for that second chance
for a break that would make it okay
there’s always some reason
to feel not good enough
and it’s hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
oh beautiful release
memories seep from my veins
let me be empty
and weightless and maybe
I’ll find some peace tonight

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

so tired of the straight line
and everywhere you turn
there’s vultures and thieves at your back
and the storm keeps on twisting
you keep on building the lies
that you make up for all that you lack
it don’t make no difference
escaping one last time
it’s easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
this glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

in the arms of the angel
fly away from here
from this dark cold hotel room
and the endlessness that you fear
you are pulled from the wreckage
of your silent reverie
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here
you’re in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here