Nope, Nada, Zilch

I should have known not to get excited, not to let the slight possibility get me worked up. But perfect follicles, perfect timing, perfect lining, two extra days after ovulation, sore boobs, exhaustion and NO spotting for the first time, well, pretty much ever – how can I not get my hopes up?

Woke up yesterday to bright red and cramps that could kill.  I stood in the shower as the water crashed against my back and let the tears flow hard and free. I put my hands on my stomach and cried some more.

I knew what my day held for me and I didn’t want to face it.   I didn’t want my DH to give me his go to “don’t worry, it will all work out.” I didn’t want to sit at my desk all day battling between waves of tears and excruciating cramps. I didn’t want to be around people.

And I hated having to call Dr. J……I had to say it out loud, “I got my period today.” His voice dropped a little and said “I am just so bummed and I know you’re upset. I thought we got it…” Ditto. By the end I am just responding “ok” to everything else he tells me and he knew.

My phone rings today and it’s Dr. J. I knew he was in surgery all day so I was a bit alarmed. “How are you feeling today?  Better I hope. You start again tomorrow and I just want sure that you’re feeling ok.” He didn’t need to call, but he did.

“Yes, I am now. Let’s do this.”

 

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