Control

If you know me well, you know how much I love to be in control. I like to call the shots – it may be a fault but it’s true. But every month the pain takes over. I fight and I fight and I just can’t win. I lose all control and in turn lose every sense of what makes things feel “right” in the world.

I can’t control when the endo will return. I can’t control how bad it will hurt. I can’t control how quickly we will be able to conceive. Simply put, I feel as if I can’t control my body and it’s absolutely terrifying.  I just don’t understand why I can’t fix it. I usually can do anything and everything I put my mind to so why can’t I make myself healthy?

So what happens when I can’t control my health? My inner A-type comes out and I try to control every single other aspect of my life. I am focusing on my well being and nourishing my spirit. I am focusing on creating a healthy home for my future bean. I am focusing on creating light and bright energy and surrounding myself with positive influences. That being said, I may be a little obsessed with a few things…

1. I read A LOT. I have countless books and I follow way too many blogs and groups online. I love to understand why things are happening so I can better predict and control my situation. (Hey look, there’s that control word again!) Sometimes I feel as if I keep reading I will find some magic solution that will just change the whole experience, maybe even make it go all away. Sometimes I am just trying to find someone who’s going through the same thing so I don’t feel so alone in this struggle. Either way, any time you pick up my iPad or look in my bag, I probably have something related to TTC/endometriosis flagged.

2. Even though I see my doctor weekly and he has changed my life, I am still really fascinated with the Eastern medicine side of things. I get weekly acupuncture, use Chinese herbs, meditate, started Mayan abdominal massage – you name it, I’ve tried it. My acupuncturist is a mix between a friend and a nurse and I seriously don’t know what I would do without her. And although it hasn’t been the magic trick I was hoping for, I feel like the Eastern/Western balance has been key.

4. Tracking my cycles – I temp, I take opk’s, I track cervical position, etc and then I spend countless hours staring at the info hoping something will magically jump out to me. Surprise surprise, it doesn’t.

So maybe I should ease up but I think I am ok with my crazy little obsessions right now. Whatever keeps me from pulling my hair out.